We cannot leave this world other than through death. In fact, 100% of people will face this reality. Death is a certainty. Yet there is a great deal of uncertainty, fear, and anxiety surrounding conversations around death. How we would like to be cared for when health conditions change is also cause for discussion. Why is it so difficult to discuss end of life plans? What is it that makes folks so uneasy about talking about a time in life that we all know will come one day to every one of us?

Most folks just don’t want to think about dying, leaving loved ones behind, or being left on earth without their loved ones. It may feel uncomfortable. It can be painful. However, painful feelings about death does no stop death from happening. It is an inevitable reality. It is far more painful when an unexpected health event happens, or a life-altering health catastrophe occurs.

Bodies age. Disease attacks our bodies. Health changes. Health care is expensive. Funeral costs are expensive. It can be reassuring to have a sense of what our wishes are or to know the wishes of close loved ones during such times.

Thinking through how the end of life looks for us can be a gift we give to ourselves and to those still living. It can provide a sense of comfort and peace to know that there are plans in place, so others are not left to struggle to figure it out. Oftentimes, when someone dies, family and friends are left to try and think about what the deceased person would have wanted or to carry out something that the decease person told them to do upon their death. This method usually doesn’t go well and can cause rifts in families and even greater pain than the grief of the loss. How unfortunate to leave a loved one trying to guess what to do if there is a catastrophic health event or a sudden death.

Comparatively, if there are lack of resources, there can be an avoidance or embarrassment to even mention death or end of life planning for fear or the perceived inability to afford it. I can’t imagine feeling like you can’t afford to die. Still, the plans must be made. Would it not be nice for others to know if they need to also prepare for financial matters concerning you?

Making decisions while we still have the mental and physical capacity to express our wishes is very responsible and an act of love and care both for ourselves and others. I understand that everyone does not want to start the conversation with a loved one. With that in mind, think about a time when a friend or family member died. What did you wish they did? What did you or others have to figure out on their behalf? How did you feel?

Initiating a conversation with loved ones regarding our wishes or having someone approach us to share their plans may seem unsettling at first. Don’t worry. You will be fine. Communicate what you are feeling. It can be something like, “I don’t want to talk about this, it scares me to think about my death or yours” or “I am glad you brought this up because I don’t know what to do and am scared, I will be a burden.” There are many feelings we have around this issue and being honest and vulnerable with ourselves and others will allow us to move forward with plans.

Keep reading for three (3) tips on how to start a conversation about end-of-life planning:

If you want to start the conversation about end-of-life planning

• Start with the “why.” It matters to let folks know that we want to ensure they are taken care of upon our passing. The “why” may sound like, “When I pass from this life to the next, I want you to be able to grieve in peace. You should not have to worry about how things are going to get paid for or who will get my furniture. I want to plan all of that out now and share it, so everyone knows what to do. I love you and want to protect you, even when I am in the grave.”
• Communicate plans to those that need to know. Oftentimes, wishes are either not shared or only shared with a select few. This method usually creates confusion as there is discrepancy between stories and what someone thought was supposed to happen upon death. There are many questions; do we bury or cremate? do we donate organs? is there a life insurance policy? Regardless to what the plans are, it is important that others are aware of them and know where to find documents.
• Get it in writing. If it isn’t in writing, it isn’t real. Everything that is important is in writing. Having a will, power of attorney, medical power of attorney, do not resuscitate (DNR) orders [if warranted], conservator, etc. It is important to think through and then confirm in writing so that wishes are clear and are legally enforceable.

I understand this can be a daunting task. You may not be sure of where to start. I have noted a couple of resources to help you get started:

• Five Wishes (https://www.fivewishes.org/) is an organization that offers advance directives for end-of-life planning.
• Let’s Have Dinner and Talk about Death (https://deathoverdinner.org/) was launched in a single night where over 500 dinners in 20 countries collaborated to discuss death and end-of-life wishes around the table. Since then, there have been over a hundred thousand death dinners around the globe. The idea began because the dinner table is the most forgiving place for difficult conversations.