Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have been teaching us about boundaries for almost three decades. And in that time, we all can still get it wrong. In the simplest term, it’s a line of demarcation. A boundary establishes ownership and responsibility in a relationship. Whether it is personal or professional, boundaries allow us to know who is responsible for what in the relationship.

What’s interesting about boundaries, is that people that set them and maintain them for themselves don’t typically have an issue when others have them. It’s because it establishes responsibility. Folks that blame others for their behavior or their circumstances or situations, will have a problem with boundaries. When you do not hold yourself responsible in your own life, you usually have a problem when others hold you responsible.

You should also understand that a boundary is not a judgement against another person. In fact, a boundary is not person specific. It is situational specific. A boundary helps us save us from ourselves. We must know ourselves to know where we are weak, vulnerable, what makes us angry, agitated, embarrassed, etc. Think about your values, too. When we are clear that we are not going to pay for someone else’s problems, then we will establish and maintain a boundary.

Maintaining boundaries may be difficult for some because it can be upsetting for those that have a boundary where there wasn’t one before. In fact, boundary setting can cause folks to stop talking to us or to get angry.  I understand that it can hurt, and you may feel like you have ‘gone too far’ based on their response. I get it. If someone gets upset or stops talking to you it may be tied to the fact that they are sitting in the consequences of their own problems. Let them.

But ask yourself, what was life like for you without the boundary? And consider what are you afraid of by them not talking to you. Because fear can create feelings of regret or thinking, ‘maybe I shouldn’t have done that’ Are you afraid that they will never ‘love you again’ or that ‘you will never talk again’ Think about that fear. You don’t want to stay in relationship with someone out of fear. It may take a season to not speak with someone to maintain the boundary. Remember, the boundary was set so that you are not taking on the consequences of someone else’s irresponsibility.

Coping with the process will require self-reflection of what happened and deciding what you are going to do. Typically, at this stage, people abandon the boundary, which is why setting and maintaining boundaries can be difficult. You can only control you. You can’t control another person’s behavior, thoughts, or responses to you. However, you can realize that you did what was best for you to be emotionally safe.

It’s okay to have the feelings. Feeling bad is not cause to abandon the boundary.