We should take inventory regularly of what is going on in our lives. We should start with our schedule because it represents time. Our decisions determine how our time is spent. We are making decisions that ultimately are negotiations for time. So, if we are not evaluating how we spend our time regularly, there is a great chance that we may have agreed to do things that either we should not be doing or did not really want to do in the first place. This is important because we really don’t know what we are saying yes to when we agree to give our time or resources to someone. Even more, we may be saying yes for all the wrong reasons.

Let’s walk through an example of what we can agree to something without realizing what is really required for us to fulfill the “yes”. Think about if a family member asks to move in with you temporarily because of an eviction. This person claims they need just a few months to “get back on their feet.” Let’s think through what saying “yes” looks like in this situation:

If you say yes, you may be agreeing to the following:

• Providing transportation to/from work (at minimum). Now you are using more gas.
• Providing food in the house for this person to eat. Your grocery bill will increase.
• Sharing a bathroom that you previously had to yourself. Your toiletries are now shared.
• The living room now becomes a bedroom. Your couch now becomes a bed. There is a loss of privacy.
• Limiting time away from home because you don’t trust this person in your house for extended periods of time by themselves.
• Limiting company/entertaining because space is limited with another person in the house.
• Increasing the frequency of household chores. There are more dishes, more dirty clothes, more dirt on the floor, etc.
• Having this person get mail at your house.
• Your personal computer becomes “public property.”
• You have a family of three and two bedrooms so space will be tight. The entire family is affected by your “yes.”

Reasons why you might say yes:

• Feeling guilty because this person’s mother died when they were young, and they lived between family members and never really seemed to get it together in life.
• You are facing a possible divorce and having another person in the house is a good distraction.
• You are a people-pleaser, and you think if you say no, this person will not like you and may possibly turn other family members against you.
• If you can convince them to give you “rent” you may be able to have a bit more money to spend.
• You could use more help around the house and having another person might ease some of the work around the house.
• You owe them a favor from that one time…

This list is not exhaustive however it is representative of the types of thoughts that may be part of the decision as well as assumptions that we make about the situation. Unfortunately, most of the time, they stay thoughts and assumptions because we do not ask questions or communicate our feelings about what is really being asked of us or how we feel about it. Simply, we do not realize what we are saying yes to until we are already in it, and we want out! However, there is a way to gain understanding of the situation before a decision is made so we can make the best decision for ourselves and our situation. It is okay to ask questions, reflect, and gain clarity about the true ask before agreeing to anything. Keep reading for questions to consider as you are deciding:

Questions to consider:

1. How will this decision affect me and my family and for how long?
2. What areas will I need to provide support or possibly help as this person moves through this season of their life? Am I prepared to provide that support?
3. Why am I really saying yes?
4. How should I best communicate my decision and why I made the decision?
5. When am I going to communicate expectations?

Of course, this list is not exhaustive. However, is does bring forward questions to think about when we start saying “yes.” Now, think of an example from your life. What are the similarities? What are the differences? Why do you think you made the decision to say yes? What were the expectations that you had of the other person? What were the expectations of you?

When we start walking through how and why we arrive at decisions and can communicate that to another person, we are well on our way to making the best decision for ourselves and increasing our communication intelligence.