One of the greatest transformational coaches of our generation, Dr. Dharius Daniels, is an avid believer in establishing and maintaining boundaries. I agree with him, when he articulated this axiom, “setting a boundary for me is not a judgement of you…in fact, my boundary for me has nothing to do with you…” This is so relevant to understanding how many of us falter on the necessary steps to setting and then communicating boundaries.

What Dr. Daniels is expressing here is that boundaries are about the individual that is setting them. Oftentimes, people feel judged or rejected when boundaries are established as if there is a punishment being doled out against them. Boundaries are about consideration for ourselves. If others are not considering us, then you should be considering ourselves. We matter. We are important. We are responsible for meeting our needs. We are responsible for managing how other engage (or not) with us. Boundaries are a safety net we set for ourselves to keep us out of harm’s way.

Boundaries allow us to have agreement that the way we move throughout the day and spend our time, aligns with our life goals. I offer four (4) steps that can help us set and maintain boundaries:

1) Determine if a boundary should be set. If there is a person or an issue that creates tension regularly or causes us to change our behavior in a way that is uncomfortable to be in their presence, we might need to set a boundary. Boundaries are about managing who and what has access to us to ensure we are safe, secure, protected, and able to perform as our best self.

2) Decide what the boundary should be. This step is about self-reflection. We should take inventory of what makes boundary sense for us to establish that allows us to feel safe, secure, protected, and able to perform as our best self.

3) Communicate the boundary. It is very important to carry the boundary forward into action. We do that through communication. The communication can be either verbal or non-verbal. We don’t have to “announce” what we are doing as our actions can also exemplify a boundary.

4) Maintain the boundary. This step is about the follow through of the boundary. Oftentimes, we fold and give-in with boundaries and go back to status quo. The purpose of a boundary is about resetting the status quo and establishing a new way of engagement. Think about what you may need to change so that you are able to maintain the boundary.  Our actions should align with the boundary.

I discuss boundaries in my book, You Don’t Say, where you can also learn how to communicate boundaries with other.